We were headed down a bumpy dirt road on the outskirts of Quito, Ecuador to a school for kids with special needs. Special needs ranging from Down Syndrome to severe Cerebral Palsy, and several other illnesses and handicaps that I'm completely ignorant of. We were going to be throwing them a party. I was on board for this. I like to party. I like to dance. I was ready to embrace the social awkwardness of it all and do what I could to be love embodied, whatever that looked like that day. Bring on the special kids, the weird smells and drool and my own personal mortification of looking like a total dork to communicate love, bring it.
They opened the doors, an octagon shaped room was fully lined with kids in wheelchairs and on benches staring at us, and then these tiny precious ones with Downs charged at us full speed. Hands down the best welcome I've ever experienced. Their thrill was tangible. If you've never been bombarded by half a dozen preschoolers with Downs running at you with these ridiculously HUGE smiles, I highly suggest it. Cutest damn kids ever.
The salsa music began to blare. Balloons were being inflated all over the place. Little plates were being laden with pastel marshmallows and weird cake and generic cheeto puffs.
PAAARRTTTAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I sandwiched myself between some kids on benches ready to make new friends. The voice of self consciousness and inferiority and cynicism tried to stop me, 'You're such a dork, what are you even doing here? Who do you think you are trying to befriend these kids! Why would you think could make a difference in their lives?' I told that voice to shut up. Jen, our leader, had told us to not waste time and not hold back today, I was going with it.
I partied intentionally with a couple kids and then I was drawn to a little boy who had been camped out in the same area all day. I went over to him and began some nonverbal playfulness. He sat on my lap and nuzzled into me, then out of nowhere he kicked me. Hard. I furrowed my eyebrows at him, 'Noooo'. We continued on playing and all of a sudden he tried to yank out a chunk of my hair. 'Ouch!!' I yelled, hoping his little fingers would release the chunk. We cuddled and clapped our hands together rhythmically. I excitedly handed him a lollipop and in response he spit in my face, like... gobs of saliva in my eyes, and on my mouth. I wiped it off graciously. He yanked my hair, again. And then he slapped me across the face, like he was an angry woman who'd been wronged. I went to pick him up and then discovered he had peed himself and now my dress was wet from it too. He was a real treat...
The other kids were sweet, and kind and meek. But this one kid, the one who smelled so bad, was covered in his own urine, who kicked me and spit on me and slapped me and pulled my hair, was the one who stole my heart. I couldn't get enough of him.
The depths of love I felt for this child didn't make sense. It was bizarre, unnatural. He was so difficult. Sweet and affectionate one minute and a spitting, slapping, kicking, urinating little monster the next. And something about that seriously melted my heart. He was passionate. He was honest. He was completely uninhibited. A nightmare, but an authentic one. The more he tried to repel me, the more determined I was to pursue him. I would lavish him with care and affection regardless of his response. I couldn't help myself. I had to do something about this love gushing out of my heart for him.
All good things must come to an end and when this party had ended I climbed in the backseat of my ride and started conversing silently with God. Staring out the window I just asked him, What was that, Lord? What happened there? Why did I feel so much love for that one kid? God, that was weird. And I heard him whisper back....
Elise, that little boy was you. Now you understand why I can't get enough of you. Now you understand my unrelenting love for you. Now you understand what your feisty, sassy, stubborn, strong willed spirit does to me. Now you understand my heart towards you even when you're awful. You spit in my face and it just makes me want to hold you closer. You will never push me away successfully. I've gotta do something about this love gushing out of my heart for you!
And it all made perfect sense.
